Every Halloween, it never fails, there’s always news reports about someone who gets hurt or killed because they weren’t thinking about safety. So I came up with a list to help you out a little. The last thing I want is for you to be unsafe and get hurt or maimed. So in no particular order here they are.
- Do not accept candy from strangers without a pulse. I know it shouldn’t have to be said, however every year some body without a pulse hands out old, expired, stale and really hard candy that you can chip a tooth or get really sick from. So the best rule of thumb, no candy from people without a pulse. If you’re reading this and you don’t have a pulse, sorry but you’ll have to pedal your weak attempt recruit more pulseless people somewhere else.
- When someone offers you a hand, don’t take it. Most of the time this is a practical joke that will go one of two ways; either you will have a clapping audience, or the second you grab their hand it will fall off and you’ll have a bloody mess all over your expensive costume. Either way their going to laugh at you so just don’t accept it.
- If you see someone with their eye dangling out of their head, never and I repeat NEVER try poking it back in with a stick! It never works out well. One of a couple of things will happen. Either you’re going to poke out their real eye (because they had REALLY good makeup for their costume) or the stick will go right through their eye which will just piss them off more and they’ll try to eat your brain that they might have left alone in the first place. Seen it dozens of times.
- While trick or treating always be polite. This should be obvious, but just in case. Remember that these are most likely your neighbors, so if you piss them off they may fly into your room at night and suck out all of your blood and replace it with liquid nitrogen thereby solidifying your innards and your body as a whole so that when the police arrive the next day, they’ll think your family is crazy because they insist that the glass person in your bed wasn’t glass yesterday. So again be polite. Plus it’s just a nice thing to do.
- Do not let anyone tell you that your costume is too revealing. Ladies this one is mainly for your safety. Ladies I cannot tell you how many times that I’ve read about a woman who was found with bite marks all over her the day after Halloween but had no marks on her costume. So please for your safety show the skin so that us guys (your protectors) can make sure that you’re alright.
- Just because you’re wearing a Van Helsing or a Buffy costume does not make you a Monster Hunter. No matter what movie you may have seen or books that you may have read, monsters are dangerous. It’s best just to stay away. Hell the professional monster hunters can’t even keep these things from coming back. How many times has Dracula, Freddy, Michael, or Jason been killed? No, I’m asking, I lost count. Anyway, it’s pretty safe to say that people just need to stay away from monsters.
- Zombies you can kill. Unless it’s those fast mofos that have been popping up lately. Those guys are insane.
- Clowns are no longer safe costumes. Sure it’s a great costume to scare people with even with that ridiculous smile painted on your ridiculously white face, but too many people now have an aversion to them, and they might just shoot you before they realize that you’re not some hideous creature from the depths of Hell’s fire pits in the darkest region of damnation. Plus clowns aren’t funny, just creepy. Unless certain people are funny when they’re creeped out in which case more power to you.
So these are just a few little safety tips to help make your Halloween a safe and joyous event. HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!